Well, the journey is finally complete; I hopped on my plane at Midway Airport in Chicago at 7a Sunday morning, and I touched down in Newburgh at high noon.  I had so much fun out there and for once I have some funny stories to tell people, which is fantastic, but I’m pumped to be back in the Northeast, even if it is just starting to get extremely cold.

After I got back yesterday, I went to the gym and I realized that this was my first workout that was just for me, not for baseball.  It was definitely weird thinking that walking into the gym, but I’m going to have to get used to it quickly.  Even though it sucks that it’s all over in a sense, it is nice to finally have closure once and for all because there were so many times in the past where I knew that there was more to do in the sport as a player, but I didn’t know if I would be allowed to do it.

At 18 I thought I was washed up when my high school season came to an abrupt end and I didn’t get recruited to play in college; I tried to walk onto the varsity team at 19…I got cut and thought I washed up again; then came Club Baseball and that changed my life, but when that was over I wanted something more, but I didn’t think the opportunity wouldn’t come; then out of nowhere came this opportunity in Joliet, IL and even though I didn’t get myself a contract, I got the closure that I have been looking for since I watched that last out against Cornwall in the Section IX playoffs over 4 years ago.

A quote that a lot of people love using is, “When one door closes, another one opens.”  It’s funny because this saying is being taken quite literally in my life right now.  I got back from IL yesterday and I have closed one door of my life, but I have an interview for a job in Norwalk, CT tomorrow morning, which is the next door I’ll be opening.  A lot of people have to take a bunch of steps between two doors in their lives, but I’m believing that this interview will go well and I have to only take a couple of steps before I walk into my next opportunity.  It sure is a little scary because no one knows what’s behind this opportunity, but I’m ready to jump in and find out.

Today was definitely a lot better than I thought it was going to be.  First of all, we played… I don’t know how the grounds crew fixed up the field for us, but they did an amazing  job.  So, I get my uniform on and start to get warmed up, when the coach of my team (Ronnie) walks over to me.  A couple of guys on the other team had to leave already and they were short a couple of guys.  He says to me, “Go talk to Jim real quick about playing some first base for his team tonight, they’re short some guys.” 

Man oh man!!  I sprinted back into the clubhouse to get the confirmation, exchange my orange jersey for a gray one, and grab my first baseman’s mitt.  I barely got any action over there, but just being out in MY position one last time seemed very, very fitting.  As for hitting, I got myself a hit, walk, and a run scored.  However, the hit was definitely a type that I had never gotten before.  I led off an inning and the 3rd baseman was playing way back, so I figured, heck I’ll just try to lay one down right here, I got nothing to lose.  So I did…and legged out a basehit.  That was the first time I had ever done that and it was the last one I would get.

The game was great, we were tied up after 7, so we went into extras and I bunted again, this time for a sacrifice, but I ended up getting on base and scoring one of the go-ahead runs.  In the bottom of the 8th we closed the game out and after the last out, our 3rd baseman rolled the game ball out to the mound.  So, I picked it up and was going to give it to whoever called for it… but no one ever did and I have in my bat bag right now.  I’m definitely going to save that ball and show my kids that this was the ball that made the last out in daddy’s last baseball game. 

So, barring my evaluation tomorrow morning with my coach on the way to Midway Airport, my journey as a competitive baseball is complete.  I’ll never forget my last feeling though… sitting at my locker in the clubhouse with a smile on my face knowing that in my last night of glory under the lights with the dream still going, I got to play my position one more time.  Don’t get my wrong, I was smiling then and while I was saying my goodbyes to all of the guys, but now as I’m writing about it I’m tearing up as well.  Now though, I can go on with my life with absolutely no regrets, I took this thing all the way until the absolute end, and that makes me proud.

I’m so thankful to this game and to God for giving me the opportunity to play it as long as I have.  When someone asks me about my competitive playing career, I won’t have to waver back and forth about how I wish i could have done more- I will be able to talk about what I did with a smile on my face, but somewhat of a heavy heart as well.  Even though this has ended, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to miss it, I’m human after all.  Coaching will be fun, it is a great way for me to be directly associated with the game and it will make the pain of not playing be a little easier, but I will always maintain that one of the best feelings in the world is staring down a pitcher on the mound, and then lining one of his pitches into the gap for extra bases.

I did say the journey was complete, but that was metaphorical one since it won’t be officially done until 12p EST…when I touch down in Newburgh at Stewart Airport…and I can’t wait to be back in my stomping grounds.  Thank you again to everybody who has followed me on this experience, your support has been amazing and I am forever grateful.

Friday was quite the day… mostly because absolutely nothing happened.  We were originally supposed to meet at 11a, but since it was pouring rain, everything got moved back to 3p.  So, we report to the clubhouse at 3p and had plenty of time to hang out since neither one of our coaches came in to talk to us until 5p.  During that time to ourselves, we had time to explore some of the stadium and just out of curiosity, we went out to see what the field really looked like.  I knew it wouldn’t look great, but it would be easier to swim in it than walk on it. 

After seeing what the field looked like, we all thought they were going to tell us to just pack up our stuff and we would bag the rest of the weekend.  However, they come out saying that it’s supposed to be nice tomorrow and we’re going to try and get a game in.  When they left, we all laughed, but had to leave our stuff there incase by some miracle, we actually play. 

Today was supposed to be evaluation day, so we were told to start coming into the office one by one.  A stellar day for the coaches continued when after only 5 evaluations, they told us that they only wanted to see 3-4 more and then we would finish them up tomorrow.  So, most of us hung out for an extra hour or so to talk to Jim and Ronnie, but it was for nothing… and they didn’t even feed us.  To be blunt, it was a real frustrating day/night. 

However, today is my last full day here and I am very excited to get myself on a plane in Chicago to start my trek back to New York.  Outside of the higher-ups ineptness to do simple tasks here, it has been a great experience and I will definitely never forget certain images of myself on the field and some of the people that I have met.  Saying that, I do think that 3 weeks was just a tad too long for something like this and it was tough after the first week to get onto the field consistently because of the rain, but you can’t blame anyone for mother nature, that’s just how things go.

We’ll see if we actually get a game in this afternoon.  If not, then it will be time to clean out my locker, hopefully get some free stuff, and listen to what the fate of my playing career is.

Even though I still have a couple of days left here in Joliet, Illinois, I just wanted to thank all of you guys that have taken the time out of your busy days to follow my blog and my experience.  I posted the link on facebook, hoping that some more people would follow me on this awesome journey, and a hell of a lot more have than I thought, and I am truly grateful and humbled for all of those that have not only read my blog, but have also reached out to me, giving me encouragement and words of wisdom.  I am the type of person that draws his strength off of others and you all have all helped make this experience even more memorable than it already has…. thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart!

Today was so interesting that it’s hard to figure out exactly where to start.  As for the field and actually playing… it rained just about all day and we really couldn’t get too much done other than doing some work off the tee and in the cage; so baseball-wise, the day was virtually a wash.  What made this day so special to me was everything else that happened outside of baseball.  After we got back from the stadium, a few of us were hanging out in the pool/spa area and we were chatting for just about three hours talking about everything; from credit cards and apartments to getting signed and going on with baseball. 

The best question brought up during our time down at the spa was by Trey, the outfielder from Atlanta, GA.  Out of nowhere he said to the three of us, “What is your biggest fear in life?”  My friend Jared said that he was most scared about not finding his true purpose in life; Trey said that he is sometimes scared of being successful because that brings on more responsibility, and the last guy, Chaz, said that he doesn’t have any fears (which is a load of shit).  As for myself, I have never been a huge fan of change at the very start, so my biggest fear is of the unknown.  Due to the fact that I don’t know what exactly is ahead doesn’t give me fair warning to prepare for it, and that makes me nervous.  However, knowing that I have family members, loved ones, and a significant other with me to face the brunt of the storm, I’m not as scared as I used to be.  Just to be able to share that type of stuff with these guys and talk about your fears in life as we head into our mid-20s made me feel a lot better about myself because I could see specifically that Trey and myself had a realistic plan since we have college degrees that we can use incase things don’t work out.

Another cool thing that happened today actually took place at dinner time.  Pretty much the entire team is going out to a club tonight, but I wasn’t really in the mood for it, so I told them I was just going to hang out tonight, which is what I’m doing right now.  However, for about the past week or so I have had the urge to go to a place like Applebees, sit at the bar, get a beer and a meal and just hang out to watch TV and chat with the bartender for a little bit.  I have never done that before, so I wanted to do it just once.  When I sat down at the bar today and the bartender asked me, “So what brings you out to Joliet?”… It will never get old to say that I came out here to play some baseball.  It’s funny how you say something like that and the conversation goes a whole different way since you’re out here as an athlete, not exactly a businessman. 

I will never forget the feeling that I had after I walked out of Applebees tonight… knowing that this will probably be one of the last times that I will flat out say that I’m an athlete, walking out of there with that bartender knowing that I was out here to play ball was really freaking cool.  Like I’ve said a million times, living like a professional baseball player is awesome and when you explain to someone what you’re doing, it will never get old…not one bit.  I’m just glad that I’ve had the opportunity to say that for a three week span.  Someone in a similar situation to me will probably never be able to say that, so I’m very grateful and blessed to say that I have lived it, even if it is for a short period of time.

Yesterday was a normal day;  it is supposed to start raining sometime today, so incase we can’t get on the field, we had some early work and a game yesterday.  That went fine- it was nothing out of the ordinary except that I got hit on my left elbow, which really didn’t help the pain that I already have to deal with daily.  Thankfully it was a curveball, so it wasn’t thrown all that hard.  What really threw me for a loop was what happened at night after the game.

I went out for a couple beers with some of the guys and there was a new pitcher that came in for the last week of camp.  Apparently, he played affiliated baseball up to the Double-A level, so as he was talking to other guys, I was listening to try and find out what things were like.  He said a bunch of things were I was thinking, “Yea OK, no thanks.”  He was talking about how you need to keep your personal life to yourself so you’re not vulnerable to others (which makes sense), but that you shouldn’t have any distractions, so you shouldn’t be in contact with significant others and family members very much, if at all.  I was shocked by this… Jessica and my family is my source of strength, why would I shut them out when this is the time I need them most?  Obviously everyone operates differently, but I don’t think I was the only one at the table who thought that was a load of crap.

The second thing he was talking about was going home.  I think one of the guys mentioned going home this weekend and that he was excited about it; Randy (this idiot) jumped on that and said, “Dude, you should NEVER want to go home.  The opposite should be your goal, to always be out here.”  I was so blown away by that.  If that’s how most guys act on the road and stuff, then I want no part of it.  What he said could have been a sign though. 

AfterI got back to the hotel yesterday, I came up to my room, laid on my bed and said, “God, why did you bring me out here?  My arm is killing me most of the time, I’ve hit OK, but not enough to blow them away, and I’m in the outfield much more than I planned.”  It has definitely been really cool to live like a professional baseball player for the past three weeks… going through what a typical spring training would be like, and then going out for some beers afterwards.  It’s been a lot of fun and I love the game, but I can tell that the grind would definitely get to me, and being around a good percentage of guys who hate their life at home and want to avoid it as much as possible would get to me even more.  During a season, teammates become closer than family because you spend so much time with them, and when they want to go out and act stupid because they have nothing else to look forward to and I don’t want to do that… that doesn’t work for me.

It will be a great feeling when someone asks a group of people, “Man, I wonder what it must be like to be a professional baseball player…” and I can stand up and tell them what it’s like a little bit.  Once I stand up and tell them, if I don’t know them very well I’m sure they’ll look at me and say I’m too short or too whatever, how could I know what it’s like. Then I can fire back and tell them that I did more in that area than they ever will.  The best part is, I can use that comeback with everyone that ever says that to me…for the rest of my life.

What a difference from yesterday to today.  The sun couldn’t have been shining any brighter on us to start our “work week” yesterday, but things took a complete 180.  I woke up to steady rain, but then it cleared up and the sun was shining, so we were all thinking that we could squeeze in a day on the field when it didn’t look like we were supposed to.  However, we get out onto the field to warm-up, and the heavens open up for the rest of the day… that is until we all get back to the hotel- that’s when the sun came out for the rest of the day.

Due to the weather, not a whole lot of work could be done; I ran for a little while, threw to get my arm loose, and hit in the cage.  Let’s face it, there was really nothing more that we could do.  One of our coaches was busy with the Independent League Fall Meetings; this is the equivalent of the MLB’s Winter Meetings, where all of the team’s executives come in for a few days.  So, needless to say, there are people around the stadium watching us through the luxury suites, which is great.

Before our coach left for the afternoon he mentioned that he saw a couple of guys jogging out on the field with some GM’s up top watching- he mentioned how that looks good.  I think that’s a load of crap.  Someone sees me throwing out there with someone or doing a little running on my own, THAT is going to make someone take notice and say, “Hey, what’s this guy’s story?  I wanna sign him!”  Yea, no thanks.  There were plenty of us underneath in the cage hitting for a while that no one saw, so where does that fit in?  I do see how it would look good to be out doing work on a rainy day, but the last time I was in the OF doing work on a rainy I almost busted myself twice on the grass…so no thanks.

With the rain and the wind going on all cylinders today, it was a reasonably quick one for us.  Everything should be normal the rest of the week, at least I hope so.  As long as the weather cooperates, we have a simulated game tomorrow, and then all-out games Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to finish the camp, and then I’m hopping on a couple planes again to come back to the Northeast.

I have definitely enjoyed my time out here and it was extremely interesting to see such a different region of the country, but I’m very glad to get back to the East Coast because of my familiarity with it.  Only a few more days though, so I’m not about to pack it in just so I can get home- after the first week here the days have been flying by without any added help.

What a gorgeous day today.  After a few consecutive days of rain and overcast weather (and more on the way tomorrow), it was an absolute pleasure to get out onto the field today with the sun shining.  We got a little taste of what it’s like to deal with playing a night game, then waking up the next morning and getting to the stadium early for a day game.  Let me tell you, not a walk in the park.

Today was structured like a normal pre-game: get out to warm up, took some BP, infield/outfield, some free time to do whatever we needed to get ready, and then it was time to roll.  Not much happened in this game, I split time with one of the other outfielders and I didn’t get any balls hit to me, which was probably a good thing because the the sun was right in my eyes for the 3 or 4 innings that I was out there. 

I made a little adjustment hitting today; I switched bats because the ones that were given to us have a smaller handle.  I feel real comfortable with the bat I brought here, but since my hands are on the smaller side, I felt like it was tough for me to generate some bat speed the last couple days.  So, I switched bats and even though I didn’t get a hit, I definitely hit the ball a lot harder and felt a huge difference getting the bat through the zone.  I also walked and scored a run, and I think we ended up winning the game, which is two in a row for us. 

As the last week is underway, I’m trying to get myself used to the fact that this could be it.  People say they turn the page, but I’m kind of peeking at the next page before I totally turn it.  I’ve accepted it if that’s what it has come to, I’m satisfied with my career, where it has gone and where it appears to be ending, but accepting it doesn’t mean it will be any easier to deal with emotionally.  We’re going to be brought in one-by-one throughout the week to get our final evaluation from the coaches; needless to say, I’m not looking forward to it because let’s face it, the truth hurts. 

I’m a good evaluator of myself, whatever they tell me is nothing that I couldn’t tell them myself.  Being able to “turn the page” once and for all will be nice because it will give me peace of mind and I’ll be able to move on with my life without having to look back and wonder, “What if…”  So, the final days might be right in front of me and I’ll try my best to enjoy them as much as possible while controlling the emotions.

After about a 45 minute delay to try and actually get the lights working, we took the field for our first “real game” of the camp.  Our pitchers had a much longer leash, going 2-3 innings a piece.  I hadn’t played a game at night in a few years, so it was definitely a huge adjustment, especially playing in a stadium with such different lighting.  I only got one ball hit out to me in RF and I screwed it up again, so it’s back to the drawing board tomorrow in the OF to keep working and trying to get a read on the ball as early as I can.  That’s really what the problem is- as of right now, my first instinct on the batted ball always seems to be wrong.  It truly doesn’t matter what advice I get from anyone, until I can get a good read on it myself, it’s going to be an uphill struggle.

Since we hadn’t had any game action the last few days, I felt a little rusty at the plate, but it was a productive night in the least.  In my first at-bat I was given the hit-and-run sign and was able to put the ball in play and execute.  After I made my mistake in the field, I came up to hit with a guy on 3rd base and was able to put the ball in play and bring the run home.  In my last at-bat, I hit the ball real hard to 3rd base and he made a great play on it, but I was able to beat it out for a base hit.  So, even though I didn’t feel completely comfortable at the plate, I was able to do some good things.  I’m really waiting to get that nice, line drive to the outfield; I’m not sure what our schedule is going to be with games this week, but I know it’s coming and I’m going to get it. 

The coolest part of the night came after the game in the clubhouse.  Trey, one of the players in our camp, had his mother and little cousin stay in IL for a couple of days to watch him play.  He brought his cousin into the clubhouse to meet the guys after the game- he couldn’t have been more than 7 or 8 years old.  He came around with a wood bat and souvenir baseball and asked each guy for their autograph.  This was fantastic- I’ve never given an autograph to a kid that I’ve never met before.  He comes around to me, hands me the ball, and asks me to “Sign on a clean part.”  Before I signed it, I asked him if the spot that I found was good and I put my John Hancock on there, as well as the wood bat. 

Being able to give my autograph and watch that little kid walk around to meet all the guys with a big smile on his face made me totally forget about missing that fly ball earlier in the night.  When you think about it, we as players are only there because of the fans.  Sure, it is our dream to get to that level, but without the fans, we wouldn’t be there.  It was a great feeling to put a smile on that kid’s face.  I never thought that someone would come up to me and ask them to sign something for them; that feeling alone was absolutely amazing and I’ll get goosebumps forever everytime I think about it.

So, a week from this exact moment, I will be on a plane coming back home to New York.  Needless to say, I’m very excited about getting back into the Northeast and knowing what I have to tackle next.  Saturday was an off day, it didn’t rain very much, so hopefully the groundscrew was able to take care of the field enough yesterday and during the day today so we can play tonight. 

We got a speech from our coach the other night and since For The Love of The Game was on a couple nights ago, they both really got me thinking about the end.  Our coach said that in reality, probably only about 4 or 5 guys will get offers directly from this Fall League and the rest of us will be going home with nothing signed.  He said that this obviously doesn’t mean that our playing careers are over, but we have to evaluate ourselves and our situation to see where we stand.  I’ve been evaluating my situation since I have come out here, and I disagree with my coach. 

Yea I’m only 22 years old, but I’ve also just graduated from college, therefore I have over $60,000 in loans that I need to pay back and waiting around for another professional tryout isn’t going to make those loans go away.  I think the biggest reason as to why this would be the final chapter if nothing came of it because I don’t want to be like a couple of the guys here already: 27 or over 30 years old and fighting for a job every year.  That doesn’t sound appealing to me one bit; some job security would be nice as well. 

This is also probably going to be the best shape I’ll ever be in and my skills on the field are also at it’s peak, so if I don’t get anything that’s ok because I am confident that I put the best of myself out on the field.  I really wanted to come to this tryout to get an answer, one way or another.  I know that if I never did anything like this before it was too late, the rest of my life I would be thinking, “Man, I wonder what would’ve happened if I tried out.  I wonder how it would have gone.”  My high school coach lives like that everyday and I know that it would bother me everyday. 

So, being able to do this and getting my answer will give me the peace of mind that I’ve been searching for since I’ve graduated back in May.  I realize that I’m talking like the tryout is done tomorrow when I still have another week, but this is how I’m approaching it.  This doesn’t mean I’m going to try any less or if a scout comes up to me I’m going to refuse him; that’s not it at all.  It’s comforting to know that I came out here for my answer and not to find a job, because if I did (like quite a few guys did) there would be a major problem.  I’m fortunate to have a business degree and a couple of interviews (finally!!) waiting for me when I get home. 

Our coach said that if nothing came from this that it doesn’t mean our baseball playing careers is over, but he doesn’t know everyone’s story.  I want to get the rest of my life going, before I blink and my 20s are gone and I’ve passed up on some great job offers.  It will definitely be weird on the plane ride home knowing that my competitive playing days are over if I don’t get any offers, but it will be comforting to know that I went on one journey until the absolute end; and now I can embark on a new one.